Characters & Locations

Part 6

Arizona

( The Forth Time Though The Simulation )

2013 - 2021

Since 2013 six years past without making any art as therapy because now Loid had a psychologist and medications to keep his mental health paranoia from interfering with his life any more or ever taking away his 4th boyfriend who was intended to last the rest of there lives together.

Believing in love was unable to save him from being left behind in the Forest of Abandoned Cats.



The Boyfriend in the Forest of Abandoned Cats

seemed to be the exact opposite of Loid's first 3 boyfriends. He worked in an office doing the technical responsibilities for a type of software that helps automate the repossession of various things people buy that they can't afford on credit and miss too many payments. This guy at first only had a few friends and became good at making new friends over the years and everyone loved him. He was a tech nerd and a gamer.

For over 15 years he has been playing his favorite game World of Warcraft (WOW) which is an massive multiplayer online (MMO) role playing game. In the game he makes friends around the country to become a team that is able to accomplish objectives you can't do playing with yourself. New game content is added frequently and he would disappear into this virtual fantasy world during periods of time throughout their relationship. First by himself and eventually online with his virtual 'Friends' as a team to conduct what are called raids. In these raids each team member has a special type of ability that compensates by fulfilling the needs of teammates that are unable to be successful on their own. Talking with each other in real time though headsets they coordinate with each other to accomplish their objectives. Eventually that reaches a climax when together they aim all their magical abilities from every angle in continuous repetition to hit all the weak points in a sustained relentless visually spectacular attack in order to take down the boss DEMON. Near the end of every level there is always a DEMON that needs teamwork to be completely destroyed so they can all move on to the next level to do it all over again... and again... and again... and apparently they feel this is healthy and fun.

He was shy and introverted like Loid but this guy had overcome his childhood trauma to be successful in life that allowed him to afford everything he needed to be happy. With him every weekend in Phoenix there was rarely much to do but stay home relaxing with entertainment in the forms of video games, movies and various TV series. Occasionally there would be few Spring and Fall hikes, movie and dinner nights, various road trips a couple times a year and always a trip to Disneyland when in Los Angeles. There was always something to do and he never appeared bored or unhappy in this simple uncomplicated life they shared as Loid followed his boyfriend and tried to figure out how to understand everyone and be understood. This was the guy's first relationship after just coming out at 30 years old and was intended to be Loid's 4th and final relationship and was convinced this one would last the rest of their lives together. Sharing their lives for years was possible because between them there was trust without need for jealousy because they gave each other freedom and were confidant no matter what happens that they would always come back home because of the mutual respect and love between them.

Living together was comfortable,honest,loving and not difficult because of all the ways they were similar, They had so much in common and never fought over anything serious. Loid's boyfriend's friends never really became his friends because of losing too many of the last 3 boyfriend's friends. That eventually made Loid feel lonely, isolated, crazy again and desperate to make a friend. This 4th boyfriend had a Black Cat named Stan and 6 months after meeting he moved in with his Black Cat into Loid's apartment where he was already living with his own cat Pause.

They quickly became a family eventually the last year they were together even adopted a 3 month old unique puppy named Bear for their first house they had been planing 4 years to become the next step and future for their relationship. Unfortunately and fatally the most important moment in their relationship and plans were forced to be put on hold for over a year because of the lockdown and quarantine caused by the 2020 Global Coronavirus Pandemic. The most extraordinary event in modern history changed life on the planet forever. Loid's irrational behavior during that uncertain and unprecedented year would ultimately end a relationship that was supposed to be able to overcome anything and endure.

Over a year later the shared lifetime together ended just as their plans for the future were finally already in motion with all contracts signed and all doubts reassured. This affirmation of love and their relationship would have allowed them to finally leave behind the small apartment they had already lived for far too long. In reality they each had a very different experience over all those years living their lives together within

The Forest of Abandoned Cats



SCRUFF is a gay social app for men looking for men for friendships and dates by starting conversions with men in the area around you.

All conversations begin mostly from the profile photo who everyone chooses very carefully for only one reason. Men do this with the hope that someone in this world will see something in that first impression profile image that will get someone to make first CONTACT to find out if there could be enough in common to someday both want meet in person. Everyone does this to find out if there is any connection after meeting face to face to decide if there could be any place they might fit in each other's lives.

And that is exactly how after chatting for the last 6 months of 2013 Matt and Loid finally met each other and instantly fell in love.



Loid and his 4th boyfriend in Sedona, Arizona Fall 2015.

Loid doesn't know he is mistakenly convinced that this time will work and he is so confident they will both grow old together because of their mutual unconditional LOVE of each other's broken parts.

Loid has been and always will be a delusional paranoid schizophrenic


Trees around the South East Corner Facing one of many keyed Entry Gates where Matt and Loid shared their lives together for 7 and a half years in

The Forest of Abandoned Cats


December 15, 2013

That guy who was posing next the Delorean from Back to the Future in the first profile image seen of him gave them both the first of many things they would have in common between 2 guys who met at a moment of great change in both their lives and nether were sure who they were or what they wanted or if ether would find anyone who would want them.

After chatting for months they were finally face to face at Loid's place and making some small talk before Matt suddenly asks in the most beautiful awkward way, "Do you want to make out?" Soon they find themselves a the hotel restaurant The Clarendon 3 blocks away getting something to eat and Matt freaks out before their food arrives,"What is this? What is happening? What are we doing here?" Loid, "Getting something to eat. Dinner. Like a date I guess?" Month later Matt insists as a gesture of trust or something for Loid, who hadn't owned a car in 10 year, to take his big black truck to L.A. for a wedding where Loid would see he's ex from Italy along all his old friends not tell Matt but was Loid was sure would be for the last time. Month later after spending every weekend at Loid's place Matt says it's stressing out Stan his cat too much moving back and forth between their apartments and suggests he leave just simply leave his cat with Loid all week! Month later Matt breaks the year lease on his first appointment without roommates he had just got within a month after meeting and suddenly they were both living together in the Forest of Abandoned Cats.

In the middle of a desert wasteland Matt and Loid had both gone crazy and did everything they could to stop anyone else from getting in the way of that uncontrollable chemical reaction happening between them. This unstoppable force evolved in almost all living things to get and keep two together long enough to make more life. This is a process that's been happening for a billions years before humans made it much more complicated than it's original intent. We have still no idea how it started or why it makes us all behave so irrationally that has expected and unforeseen consequences of joy and pain. It's part of what makes life worth living and every language has a word and in English this crazy feeling is called Love.

Loid believed he had found the love he had been searching for around the planet his entire life that he had found and lost 3 times on 3 different contents over 30 decades. Loid's 4th relationship was going to be different because this one would finally prove that after the chemical reaction slowly fades there's so much else between them to keep them tougher and that proof love is more than that first feeling or just a word to describe it because love does exist and is real and sustainable would keep them together for the rest of their lives.

Matt and Loid's first trip together to Disneyland

Road trip / Montezuma's Castile

Road trip / Meteor C rater Arizona

Road trip / Meteor C rater Arizona

Santa Monica, California

Matt

Another ride on Space Mountain

Their balcony on the second floor in The Forest of Abandoned Cats

Matt's cat Stan (Stan Lee)

Loid's cat Pause

The living room and Loid's desk to the right with Matt's desk diagonally across the room.

Space Shuttle / Los Angeles

Road trip / Desert between Phoenix and Los Angeles

Space Mountain Disneyland, California

Matt was Loid's only boyfriend who loved and appreciated Loid's favorite ride/thing/obsession in the whole world that they went on multiple times every year that they were in Los Angeles for Loid's job.

July 2015

Loid's cat Pause dies of cancer. Baby MIchio Kaku is adopted from the humane society

R.I.P Pause July 13, 2015

3 month old Michio Kaku

Stan is Michio's whole world and teaches him how to be a cat

Michio

Matt and Michio in the bathroom

Papago Park, Phoenix Arizona was the location of too few hikes during their relationship

Matt will kill me for putting this photo online but he's just so perfect and beautiful!

and another ride on Space Mountain

New Years Eve 2015/2016

Fall 2016

Russia attacks the United States of America.

Not with nuclear bombs but by turning our social media invention against us. Divide and Conqueror is the oldest war tactic.

Loid realizes two things about his father's paranoid delusions imprinted on him as a child. First that even though Russia didn't technically exist anymore 6 months after the death of Loid's father they did ultimately attack us 30 years later and if trump had been smart or cleaver this country would not have survived.

Loid's father was also completely convinced

in the 1970s and 80s that the family's television had a camera and microphone that would use everything we said or did against us.

In 2016 Loid looked around and suddenly realized another prophesy of his father was 30 years off. Because it had already been years everyone on the planet pays a lot of money to get the latest smartphones. Yeah, basically TV screens with cameras and microphones that are always on and always watching and they track everything you do and everywhere you go.

Loid stopped going to the gym the day after the election of 2016 and began drinking a couple bottles of whisky a week until a mushroom trip summer 2019 cured his alcoholism.

April 2018

Loid's mother has the idea to sell her home of 30 years in North Phoenix to Matt and Loid. In the middle of figuring out the details of the monthly house expenses and other factors that would reduce the mortgage to a low cost that was the only way Matt and Loid could have ever afforded a house... suddenly BEFORE any real estate mortgage contracts are signed a guy dressed as Indiana Jone appears on Loid's Google Photos timeline and he becomes so paranoid that this whole house deal is a set up that will be taken away from him at the last moment making him homeless.

Loid puts a complete stop to the real estate deal to buy his mother's home. It takes more than a year to get over his paranoia and agree to move forward once again to buy Matt and Loid's dream home.

3 weeks after calling off the house deal Matt and Loid spend a few days in Las Vegas, Nevada

Star Wars Virtual Reality / Las Vegas, Nevada

Spring 2019

A psychedelic friend takes Matt and Loid on a quick trip Sunday March 17, 2019 (St. Patrick's Day) This inspires Loid to grow his own mushrooms which by June he is able to use once and completely cure his alcoholism that began when trump was elected.

80s Retro Cover Bands concert / Downtown Phoenix , Arizona

🍄 St. Patric's Day TRIP 🍄

A new Bar opens across the street

T E S L A

Matt is so confidant about the future he buys the futuristic Tesla Model 3 artificial intelligence self driving car.

First and only road trip in the Tesla / Sedona, Arizona

Last Half of 2019

Loid's new job given to him by his boss is to take her online oil painting course, watch all lecture videos and give feedback to help improve the course before launching it on the world next year.... and make art.

Loid got way too fixated on the "make art" part and made the biggest mistake of his life and total miscalculation by experimenting with a drug he hoped would help produce art that would impress his boss. It didn't. She didn't notice or care what Loid made from her class. She only needed positive feedback from Loid about what she knew was already perfect about her endless irritating oil painting course videos.

Oil Painting Course Supplies in the corner of the Living room

Loid's first oil painting
The Tempest

Oil on Canvas 15 in X 30 in

Phoenix, Arizona

Fall 2019

Loid's second oil painting
Wave of Surveillance

Oil on Canvas 20 in X 24 inPhoenix, ArizonaFall 2019

September 2019

A routine tonsils surgery was to be a cure to Matt's debilitating Sleep Apnea. The first night after the surgery was spent in the emergency room at the hospital 3 blocks away because his airway was blocked by swelling.

The next day Matt was home 24 hours later and had just sat down on the couch to finally eat a bowl of ice cream that he had been looking forward to since before the surgery. Before finishing one bite Matt stood up with a look of horror on his face and began to vomit... BLOOD.

Rivers of blood vomited from Matt's mouth everywhere all over everything as he ran across the living room towards the bathroom. Loid follow the trail of blood that was splashed across the hallway cupboards to find Matt hunched over the bathtub continuing to vomit what appeared to be gallons of blood (See Bathtub Below).

911 was called and the huge, noisy chaotic scene in their small livingroom was over and out the door as quickly as it had all began leaving Loid in absolute silence in their apartment covered in Matt's blood. Loid experienced psychosis convinced that no one could survive loosing so much blood. He began running around the apartment screaming out loud,

"I've Lost Matt! I've Lost Matt! I've Lost Matt".

Matt was OK and home within a couple hours.

Loid was never the same again and almost 2 years later Loid would spend more than month having memory lapses after losing everything where he would continually scream out loud,

I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt


Manifesting Loid's psychotic vision after Matt appeared to have died in front of him.

"Making a Choice in the Wasteland of the Crystal Meteor"

Oil on Canvas 30 x 20 inches
Loid's 4tth and final oil painting


Loid wasn't even invited to the costume party with Matt's new drinking friends

Rejected by his boss and dumped for the first time by Matt... Loid begins work on putting together all his lifetime of art, photography and life story onto a website to understand who he is without Matt and Kimberly

2020

February 2020

2 months before what would have been the second attempt to buy Loid's mother's home Matt's black cat Stan dies and a week later 3 month old Bear is adopted from the humane society. Loid finally said yes to Matt's need of having a dog because the plan was to buy and move into their new 3 bedroom house with a backyard within 2 months.

R.I.P.. Stan 2/20/2020

Humaine socity website photo of what Loid sent to Matt as a joke because this little stuffed teddy bear didn't look real. The next day Matt sent the photo back to Loid and asked,"Can we go pick him up?". Loid thought he could see their bright future in their new house and instantly said,"YES".

Loid, Bear and Michio

Bear at his first veterinarian check up

March 2020

COVID-19 Coronavirus Lockdown / Quarantine

The plan to buy Loid's mom's house is put on hold indefinitely along with the plans of everyone else on the planet.





Almost instantly Michio and Bear get along and will eventually miss each other a year later when Bear is only in the apartment half the week

April 2020

COVID-19 Coronavirus Lockdown / Quarantine

Loid looses 75% of his anxiety medication just before losing his psychologist who he saw twice a month and was dependent on for over 6 years.

Loid looses 75% of his job by sending his boss an email trying to explain his insecurities about taking her Master Class of oil painting.

Loid begins abusing methamphetamine nightly to escape the nightmare the days have become. His cries for help go unanswered and completely ignored by the staff of Behavioral Health at the Phoenix Indian Medical Center.


Matt and Loid's bedroom with painting "Wormholes are more common than you think" by MARS 1

Bear grew up so fast in such a small apartment




When the 2020 Coronavirus lock downs and quarantine began Loid purchased the iPad Pro, Apple Pencil and the painting app ProCreate. With those tools he invented a new form of Art.

read more

🌀

After a month of frustration at being unable to draw or paint anything that he liked, he found ProCreate's radial symmetry guide. The symmetry guide is a tool that is present in every painting and drawing program that has ever existed. That is when he stopped TRYING to make art and instead began to slowly and deliberately PULL infinitely random abstract art into this world from some other dimension where it seemed to have already existed. He had done this 20 years earlier while living in Rome, Italy with the painting program Corel Draw where he created about 10 paintings that his oldest friend told him looked like mandalas. The words Symmetrical Painting seemed to describe this new form of art better than the word mandala. Mandalas are always circular, much more repetitive and evoke prejudged design expectations. All paintings on this website began as random scribbles made while in a trance like state trying to deal with a period in modern history that at times felt like the end of the world. These paintings are some of Loid's favorites out of over one thousand that he created throughout the unforgettable year that was 2020.



Symmetrical Paintings

Procreate + iPad Pro + Apple Pencil

Phoenix, ArizonaQuarantine Spring - Summer 2020


Matt said,"You know Loid... it just doesn't look like anything".

Loid's quarantine laser tweaked out desk and office space

2020 Baby Bear makes a toilet paper mess

2016 Baby Michio makes a toilet paper mess

Summer/Fall 2020

COVID-19 Coronavirus Lockdown / Quarantine

Loid takes Bear for walks morning, afternoon and nights and keeps Bear feed and watered. Matt about once a week hangs out with his friend Gary at the dog park where Bear gets to run and play with other dogs for one hour.


The Dog Park

Matt asks Loid to become domestic partners so he can get on Matt's insurance and get professional help with his addiction

Our only hike with Bear / Papago Park Phoenix, Arizona

Michio sleeping with Bear's toys

Interior Tesla Model 3 Artificial Intelligence Self Driving Car


January 1st, 2021

Loid was on top of the world because not only did he survive 2020...

trump lost reelection... Matt and Loid became domestic partners... Loid got his first raise in 10 years... he got a new psychiatrist and a new psychologist who gave him a plan to quit successfully by slowly reduce meth use over the entire month of January.

January 5th, 2021

Loid has all the symptoms of a panic attack

but these symptoms last too long and he goes to the emergency room 3 blocks away fearing a heart attack which it was not. 3 days later Loid understands that he has a pinched nerve running from his upper left back though his chest and down his left arm. For the next 2 weeks hardly able to sleep and every waking moment of everyday feels to Loid like he is about to collapse and die from the pain of having a heart attack. By Monday Loid's boss see this as an excuses to not be preforming as expected after receiving a $500 a month raise just 3 months before.

Around midnight 3 days later Loid is convinced he will not survive until morning because of the never ending pinched nerve/heart attack pain. He believed this website was done and good enough except he had one question only his boss (The Goddess of All Things Art) could answer. He sent her an email 3 paragraphs long with a link to this website and a link to view his yearlong art project that produced hundreds of Symmetrical Paintings asking if any of that content would allow Loid to use the word "ARTIST" to describe himself on this website.

January 14th, 2021

Loid awoke at 8am to the sound of his phone ringing and it was his boss.

She basically screamed and belittled him. She exclaimed loudly,"TOO LONG... DIDN'T READ IT!" Yet somehow she took the last line of the email about Loid's insecurities about calling himself an artist because no one has ever bought his art and few have even seen anything Loid has done and and she became ridiculously offended. She accused Loid of implying that she was only an artist to make money. Before hanging up she made it perfectly clear that his 1 AM email was nothing but a waste of her precious time. She never answered the question ask by a man who had worked for her almost 20 years.

Loid's boss spends the next 4 months slowly eliminating all of his responsibilities in the cruelest ways possible. This all begins with a new software his boss shows him that she insisted he learn and to get used to because it is for them to use together for their future. Only after a few weeks is it realized that this new software actually makes Loid obsolete and his boss doesn't need him anymore because this new software completely replaces him.

The first line on the homepage of this website uses the word Artist to describe who Loid Larson was to Matt.

May 2021

A week AFTER all real estate mortgage contracts are signed Matt sends Loid a photo of a guy dressed like Indiana Jones. A new guy Loid's boyfriend shows him that he insisted Loid learn to get used to because it is for them to use together in a 3 way. A week later after Matt has sex with Indiana Jone while Loid is in the hospital 3 days for a random unscheduled surgery. Suddenly 3 days later"Brad" is just a "friend" for their future and Matt informs Loid that they will be hiking together Saturdays from now on and that Loid might someday be invited if he gets himself presentable and doesn't say or do anything crazy that might embarrass Matt in front of his new hiking "friend".

In less than 3 weeks is it realized that this new guy actually makes Loid obsolete and Loid's boyfriend doesn't need him anymore because this new guy completely replaces Loid.

Mirroring exactly what his boss had done with software just a couple months before.

Always exactly when Loid has finally accepted, wants and can visualize the future that they have made plans to share together with love including a house with a feeling of home, sometimes a pet or two and all the boyfriend's friends who will be Loid's friends forever... absolutely all of it is unexpectedly and suddenly already gone before Loid even realizes what has happened.

In these moments it is easy to believe that Love is some kind of delusion only suckers like Loid fall for by watching films about love and endless love songs that are really just products to be sold to make money off the gullible who all desperately need to believe Love will somehow save them and the whole world.

Matt's last minute choice not to compromise and instead make a binary choice of a random option that fulfilled his needs at the moment ended his future with Loid. This choice was made without emotion or thought for the plans already in motion with all real estate mortgage contracts signed or their plans for the future or the painful consequences Loid would obviously suffer by instantly putting an to end their relationship at the exact moment they were both about to prove to each other that love is real and does exist and has always existed between them both.





"Don't be naive Loid. Love isn't real. Love doesn't exist. Love is just the nice way to describe how people use each other to get what they want. When you're not getting what you want you simply move on to someone else."

Said to Loid by his Italian boyfriend while walking on the beach in Italy

2005






The night before movers where coming at 8am Matt hugged Loid after agreeing on a compromise.

The compromise was for them concentrate on unpacking, renovating and personalizing their new home and after 2 months they could invite this new "friend" over for dinner to welcome this person into our home and our lives. Matt could continue to develop his 3 week old "friendship" with Brad (Indiana Jones) and their plans to go hiking that Loid was also looking forward to occasionally joining.

Less than 20 minutes later Matt instantly, abruptly, unexpectedly and incomprehensibly ends their 7 1/2 year relationship and 3 years of delayed plans for their first house just hours before moving in the next morning. With Brad next to him in support Matt sends a cold simple text message to Loid who he had just hugged and left alone in their apartment to tell Brad the compromise that would ensure none of them would be hurt ...

"I don't give a fuck about the house. But I want to be with him."

Matt's last minute decision against Loid eliminates all that was left of his identity, purpose and meaning in life after just loosing his job of 18 years a month before. Loid's life, love, home, family and future are all instantly and permanently gone before Loid even realizes or can even comprehends what just happened.

Will this 4th failed relationship be Loid's last? It was impossible for him to imagine his future after losing what was by far the best and most important relationship of his life. Loid was incapable of preparing for such a random, abrupt end to his life and and a future that took him 3 years to convince himself and get over paranoid fears that his mom's home would be taken away the moment he moved in.

What did happen was worse than his paranoid fears because it wasn't the vast global conspiracy that destroyed him... it was far worse because it was actually just Matt and his last minute choice that instantly ended Loid's love, life, family, home and entire future before Loid even understood that what happened. Matt leaving Loid for another man was something he had never imagined possible. How could Matt let himself fall in love over the 3 weeks before finally moving to their first house after years of planing with so much spent on renovations?

The only reason this happened was because Loid loved Matt unconditionally and always trusted Matt with his life and their relationship. Loid felt confident allowing Matt to make a new a new "friend" and go hiking together because they both would benefit from more friends in their lives. Up until the night before the move Matt continuously tried to convince Loid and himself that Brad really was just a friend. Without regret, remorse or hesitation just hours before the most important positive change in their relationship after 7 1/2 years together in small apartment.

Loid was completely unaware that his whole life and future could be taken away so quickly and unstoppable because it already happened. Matt chose a man he barely knew to take Loid's place in Matt's thoughts, heart, home and future. Brad was given Loid was just hours away from having everything needed to become himself again and better than every before to earn Matt's forgiveness for the biggest mistake of his life. Matt did not know if he could ever see Loid as the same man that was once easy to love and live with so he simply chose to pursue a last minute alternative that was suddenly and randomly presented to him.

Matt had lost patience with Loid and all his panic attacks, emergence room visits and excuses why he could not simply stop his drug abuse on his own without complaining about all the mental health professionals that would not help him. Matt thought of his own needs and future and convinced himself that he had no other choice than to leave Loid behind in the apartment where they lived their entire relationship. What, when and how Matt ended their future together was far beyond Loid's worse paranoid fears that had stopped them from buying their home 3 years before. This unanticipated end of everything was more shocking, painful and destructive than his previous 3 failed relationships combined!

About a week later Matt moved into and began his new life in Loid's mother's house that the week before in his break up text to Loid said he didn't give a fuck about. A month later Brad moved into the house and began living the life with Matt that Loid struggled for 3 years to convinced himself was his future and would be sustainable the rest of their lives together in love.

Loid fears that being left behind completely alone by his true love and only man in the desert who knows him and knows he is alone. They both know Loid is in a trap that could easily become a dark, isolated, unhealthy meaningless future that may be permanent and inescapable. Losing Matt makes it inevitable that there will be no one left in the world who will notice or even care that Loid may still be alive, lost and completely alone in

The Forest of Abandoned Cats


I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt

I've Lost


Loid's Mother's Home

May 2021

Just 3 weeks before moving into their first home that had been organized and planed for years. Loid was shown a profile photo with a guy dressed as "Indiana Jones" all the while being reassured that this guy was only a "friend". Matt's new 'friend' suddenly was giving him that feeling called love he wanted but didn't have the experience to understand it doesn't last long. This overwhelming biological feeling evolved to make all lifeforms irrationally need to come together to reproduce and in humans that temporary chemical reaction between 2 people makes everyone act irrationally and make choices without thinking of the consequences or understanding that after that initial feeling fades away it must be replaced with enough good reasons that are more real and that show and continually demonstrate to each other real loving relationship that will be strong enough to keep them together as long as possible.

The exact same powerful chemical emotions that made Matt and Loid act irrationally 7 and a half years ago when they instantly fell in love. After less than 2 months dating Matt insists Loid take his black truck for a week trip to a wedding in Los Angeles where Loid would see his ex-Italian boyfriend and all his old friends for the last time. Loid believed this was a test of trust but at the same time Matt was demonstrating how strongly he felt for Loid and needing that same strong feeling in return.

A month later after spending every weekend together at Loid's place. Matt has been bringing his back cat Stan with him each time and soon convinces Loid to just keep Stan at his apartment because it's too stressful for Stan moving between both their apartments so much. Loid said OK knowing it would only be a matter of time before Matt would be joining Stan in his apartment. Weeks later Matt got out of the year long lease for his first apartment he had just rented within a month of meeting each other. Living together the temporary irrational biological feeling called love slowly faded and was was replaced with real feelings and actions that connected them and demonstrated a sustainable relationship living together that Loid believed was the true meaning of the word love.

This new feeling of love with Loid's last minute replacement met Matt's needs at the moment Loid was loosing his job of 20 years job that was his identity and self esteem. Matt could not see or care to consider the consequences that HOW and WHEN he made this choice for himself would quickly and completely take away all that was left of Loid's entire life, future and sanity.

The 4th boyfriend and the man he chose to live with him in Loid's mother's house and their friends are everything Loid ever needed but would never have.

A whole lifetime of experiences shared together had less value than some guy that felt good in a random moment where Matt was left alone for 3 days while Loid had a procrastinated random unscheduled surgery 3 weeks before moving into their dream home where Loid believed up until the last night before moving they would live the rest of their lives and grow old together.

Brad and Loid are refections that… are the same age… both work from home…. are both seriously damaged by past relationships….. both have something that’s not acceptable for 48 year old men… Loid doesn't have car and Matt has always compensated for that... and Brad lives with his mom and doesn’t have his own home… of course Matt is compensating by giving him Loid's mother's home. She gave Matt and Loid her home with love believing that Matt loved Loid and her son would never be alone because they would grow old together in that house where she grew old over the past 30 years.

Most likely this is because his second boyfriend is just the second of likely many times Matt will be caught in his own mirrored fractal repeating relationship pattern that after 4 tries that all eventuality ended exactly the same way Loid found impossible to escape his own repeating pattern in his lifelong global search to find unconditional love that had failed after more than 3 decades.



I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt

I've Lost






The Forest of Abandoned Cats
3600 N. 6th Ave Apartment 9

June 2021 - Present?





Loid lost his entire identity, life, love and future during the Spring of 2021. After being left completely alone he was never able to find himself again.

Right up until the night before the move Loid was completely convinced and truly believed that after surviving 10 years in this tiny space he would finally be rescued from this trap by Matt's unconditional love.

The help that eventually came was too little and far too late.
Matt and Psychologist Dr. Curt Hill


Loid was able to finally quit the most addictive drug on the planet completely by himself without any help. Exactly a week after losing everything he simply told the drug dealer 75% of his life story over 4 hours which is the subject of this entire website. At which point Loid's only 'friend' in the desert wasteland was running in horror towards the front door to exit needing to vomit and he was never able to be contacted ever again. Until...


Loid's desk with "Bugged" speakers and The Technological Singularity video playing on the computer monitor.


It was impossible for Loid to escape the trap he fell into because only the existence of love would have saved and allowed him to finally leave The Forest of Abandoned Cats


The Technological Singularity

I've Lost Matt!!!

I've Lost Matt!!

I've Lost Matt!

I've Lost Matt

I've Lost

Loid Larson and The Technological Singularity


This 4th boyfriend did something at the very last moment before the biggest change for each other and their relationship they were supposed to move into their first home the next morning. This boyfriend's last minute random choice to abandon their 8 year relationship for another man who's attributes where almost identical to Loid's. This instantly takes away Loid's entire life and future of living in the house he and his 4th boyfriend had been planing for 3 years to buy from Loid's mother.

Loid chose what was supposed to be his last boyfriend specifically because he was the exact opposite of his first 3. Unexpectedly and difficult to accept and believe the 4th boyfriend completely transforms into the first 3 boyfriends when all of them always at the very last moment take away Loid's future just when he believes they have shown their symbol of love him. Repetitively Loid always looses the only man he needs and loves along with the dream home usually with cats and this last time even a dog. All of that is suddenly lost forever along with all the boyfriend's friends leaving Loid vulnerable to becoming homeless with little hope of not living the rest of his life completely alone.

The 4th boyfriend's unimaginable and emotionless choice to live with another man in Loid's mother's home instead of him is beyond devistating. This event on May 27, 2021 along with his only job of almost 20 years just the month before all together causes psychosis and the final complete destruction of Loid's identity and future.

The 4th boyfriend ended in a forest and proved something the 2nd boyfriend tried to warn Loid on a beach in Italy about15 years earlier and has finally been accepted to be true.

Loid loved each of his boyfriends unconditionally and never imagined that the life they shared would come to such abrupt ends. He naively assumed incorrectly that they all felt the same for him.


This 4th boyfriend did something at the very last moment before the biggest change for each other and their relationship they were supposed to move into their first home the next morning. This boyfriend's last minute random choice to abandon their 8 year relationship for another man who's attributes where almost identical to Loid's. This instantly takes away Loid's entire life and future of living in the house he and his 4th boyfriend had been planing for 3 years to buy from Loid's mother.

Loid chose what was supposed to be his last boyfriend specifically because he was the exact opposite of his first 3. Unexpectedly and difficult to accept and believe the 4th boyfriend completely transforms into the first 3 boyfriends when all of them always at the very last moment take away Loid's future just when he believes they have shown their symbol of love him. Repetitively Loid always looses the only man he needs and loves along with the dream home usually with cats and this last time even a dog. All of that is suddenly lost forever along with all the boyfriend's friends leaving Loid vulnerable to becoming homeless with little hope of not living the rest of his life completely alone.

The 4th boyfriend's unimaginable and emotionless choice to live with another man in Loid's mother's home instead of him is beyond devistating. This event on June 27, 2021 along with his only job of almost 20 years just the month before all together causes psychosis and the final complete destruction of Loid's identity and future.

The 4th boyfriend ended in a forest and proved something the 2nd boyfriend tried to warn Loid on a beach in Italy about15 years earlier and has finally been accepted to be true.

Loid loved each of his boyfriends unconditionally and never imagined that the life they shared would come to such abrupt ends. He naively assumed incorrectly that they all felt the same for him.

CHRONOLOGY